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Archive for the ‘Mama’ Category

Sally was kind of a generic doll. With one wicked hair do. One that was never the same after taking many baths with me. Suzy was a pink stuffed kitty. She had a music box that played ‘It’s a Small World.’ I could tell you the story of how Suzy and I lost contact but it would break my heart again and those big, huge, sloppy tears would probably ruin my keyboard, so I won’t. I had a dolly crib, with a working drop rail, that was my grandma’s, my mom’s and then my aunt’s. Yes, and you know it would for sure have been recalled by now. (Ha! Just kidding! They just don’t make things like they used to. This crib is still in amazing shape btw…) I had a dolly sized bunk bed that was my mom’s and aunt’s. A kick ass dolly stroller, that my mom customized for me by changing out all the fabric that was originally blue and red (bleh) to lavender and pastel hearts, uber cool for a 7 year old. A wooden dolly highchair. A pail full of dolly clothes. Later I even upgraded to an American Girl doll, Molly. Back when there was only 3 American Girl dolls to choose from. So, where is all of this going you may be asking yourself. No, this is not my list of what a spoiled and lucky girl I was. I mean, it kind of is, but that’s not the point.

What is the point? Where am I really going with this? I have always wanted to be a mommy. Always. There. I said it. It has never been a decision that I questioned. There has always been that desire to have a baby. I’m pretty sure that most little girls all have the the feeling that they want to be a mama at some point or another. It isn’t until later in their lives that they start to second think that possibly built in desire. But for me, I knew, and have always known that I would be a mother someday. I had actually wanted to be a young mama and have my first baby by the time I was 25. Well, I’m a few years off and ya know I’m totally ok with that. I still feel young so I suppose that’s what really matters.

Yes, so for hours and hours, and days and day of my life I pretended to be a mama to dolls and stuffed animals and now in real life I am lucky enough to be one, a real one. I often wonder what it feels like to not want to have children. (And I certainly don’t think anything less of you if that’s how you feel but I guess I just don’t get it.) Having kids for me is not about wanting to create a little mini me or mini my husband (however, I’m kinda thinking that’s just what I did. Ha.). This mommy desire and feeling is all about love. Wanting to be able to share this love with another (tiny squishy) human. Wanting to be a teacher, to raise a conscious person, with a big open heart. I most definitely have values and ideas that I would like RQ to know and believe in, but he is destined to be his own person. I’m happy to be here for the ride. I was just lucky enough that he chose me to be his mama. I do hope that someday he feels lucky to have me, but if not that’s okay too. After all that’s not really what it’s all about anyways.

To be a mother encompasses so many things. So many feeling and emotions. I also know that you most certainly don’t have to conceive and birth that child to be their real mother. Real mothers are more than just genes and genetics. I, of course, feel blessed that I was able to birth and breastfeed my own healthy baby boy, but had I not been able to, I would still have become a mama. One way or another. ┬áLike I said before, I have known since I was a little girl that I would be a mommy someday. And I’m so glad that my someday is today. I just can’t imagine my life without my RQ, without being a mama.

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Almost Indescribable

Last week I was on the phone with a very dear friend. (With this I have to say that now that I have my little R I just don’t do the phone very much. I know that’s bad and all, and I do still love my friends, it’s just my priorities have, well, shifted. If we haven’t talked in awhile, it’s not that I don’t like/love you still, it’s just I suck at taking the time to call you. So, no hard feelings?!) Ok, back to where I was really going with this. While on the phone with this friend, and mind you since I suck at the phone, we haven’t talked in a while, she of course asks me how R is doing and I, of course, go on and on. Then she says, “So, what’s it like being a mama?” My response, silence at first. It seems like such an easy question but it left me speechless- for all of three seconds before I blurted out, “Great!” Great? Like that’s all I had to say? What?

Being a mom has no doubt changed my life totally, as I’m sure any parent will say the same. It has changed my life in so many fabulous ways. (As I went back to proof read, I had typed love instead of life! It’s true, my love has changed too!) And not to brag or anything, but R is just about the best baby anyone could ask for and I feel extremely blessed. He is truly just a little doll. An angel-doll-yummy baby. Anywho, I feel like I feel so much more now. I suppose that could be the crazy hormones still circulating through my body as I am breast feeding and all, but I think it’s not. Even from the moment we walked through our door when we brought R home from the hospital everything looked different. Everything looked clearer and crisp and beautiful in a whole new way.

I can spend hours with R sitting in bed or on the couch talking and playing with him. These hours just fly by. Time before R had a way of just dragging. I was telling my husband, N, last night that I have such a different perspective on Friday & Saturday nights now. And I’ll admit, it may sound pathetic but oh well. I just don’t mind spending my weekend nights at home hanging out with my boys. This time is just so precious to me. I do still love to hang out with friends and all, but if we stay in and watch a movie and just get to cuddle and play with R, then that is a fantastic Friday night to me.

Back to ‘great.’ So yes, after I hung up the phone with my friend I started thinking about how lame it was that all I could come up with was great. I mean, sure, I guess there are a ton of other adjectives that could describe this feeling, but this feeling is, well, almost indescribable. It just feels so right, sometimes it doesn’t feel like anything different because it has fully consumed me and is me now.

Even though I’ve now thought and thought, wrote about it and thought some more, I still might find it hard to find just the right, perfect word to describe being a mama. But then again maybe I have. Blissfull.

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